sit down and hush...

you know how there are certain tongue twisters that you can say a lot, and before you know it, you're saying words that aren't the same? "sally sells seashells by the seahore" becomes "shally shells sheshells by the sheshore."

well, i had something similar happen in my classroom today. i was preoccupied with packing some things, and like a broken record, i must've said "sit down and hush" about 5 or 6 times. well, the last time i said it, it came out sounding a little different...("shit down and hush" if you're slow on the uptake).

needless to say, we all got a huge laugh out of it. i only hope the school doesn't get phone calls from parents...that's all i need in my last week!

the end of an era

this is a big week for me: i am about to begin my last week of teaching school after 11 years, and my little brownie (the kid i've tutored for the last 7 years) graduated from high school yesterday (by the way, who has graduation the weekend of memorial day???). while i am extremely excited, i am a little choked up tonight (very unexpectedly i might add). i going to miss teaching...i had forgotten how amazing kids are.

honestly it has not been a good year for me. i have not seen eye to eye with the administration on some issues, and that has led to some difficult situations (mostly regarding parents). but the kids are so great. they say the greatest things (most of the time without even realizing it), and they mean what they say. there have been so many days when i'm just feeling funky and/or down, and a kid says something either so simple or so prfound, that it changes my entire demeanor and outlook. that's a much more rare ocurrance with adults.

i started a blog a few weeks ago for my kids to read so they could keep up with me and my job situation. i never thought they'd be so interested in what i was doing, but they really are.

last week i cleaned out my classroom and took everything down from the walls...things look very empty and bare. some of the girls have responded to the blog that they are really sad about it. i guess i just felt like i was such a rotten teacher this year (b/c sometimes i let admin make me feel that way in weak moments), and i didn't expect the girls to want me to stick around.

i think the thing i will miss most about teaching is that i know adults will never appreciate me as much as my kids do. i've learned that it's much easier to disappoint the parents/admin than it is to disappoint the students. kids don't seem to hold grudges the way adults do, and i think we should learn a lot from that.

in the last 11 years, i have learned way more from my kids than i could have ever taught them. thus, the ending of an era...

i only hope my new adventures bring as much hope, love, optimism, learning, teaching, laughter, and fun as my previous ones.

"those" christians we call catholics

i've been poking around on people's blogs and been reading a lot of stuff about the da vinci code (don't worry, this isn't about that). a couple of posts and responses mention the catholic church, and it reminded me of something that has bothered me for few years now.

background: i am a christian. i was raised catholic, and i grew up in a spritual home. both of my parents are christians (even though my dad has just recently within the last 3 years found Jesus...my mom was the spritual leader of our home until recently). i now attend first baptist church, not because i have a problem with the catholic church and not because i have become baptist (i still attend catholic mass sometimes, as there are some things about it that i truly miss); i think greg matte is an amazing teacher who tells it like it is. i was going to first before greg became pastor, so it's obviously not just about that, but that's why i'm there now.

but there are things that bother me about people in this protestant church (and as it's the only one i've been to, it's the only one i can talk about). understand i am not saying everyone who goes there believes these things or even that the pastor or the church believes these things (greg was actually raised in a catholic home too, and although i have not personally discussed any of this with him (i've never even met him), based on his stories it doesn't sound like his experience was the same as mine). it's just that i've noticed that things are commented on and agreed upon in circles, and most of the time people have their facts askew, perhaps intermingled with enough truth to make them believable (a little like the book/movie that has everyone in an uproar lately).

so many times i hear "christians" talking about "catholics" as if they're mormons or members of some other non-christian religion. newsflash: catholics ARE christians; catholics have the same bible - the only difference is that a few books are added: called the apocrypha, it includes tobit, judith, 1 and 2 maccabees, wisdom, and sirach (most of which have a literary style similar to jonah and contain history of isrealites/hebrews); catholics believe in the same Jesus and the same Trinity; contrary to popular belief, catholics believe the same things regarding salvation as protestants do (that Jesus is the only way); and catholics (collectlively) do NOT worship mary (an idea propogated by the media)...sure there are some crazies out there who claim to be catholic and come close to worshipping mary, seeing her face in pancakes and on sidewalks. HOWEVER this in no way represents the catholic church as a whole. that would be like a non-believer thinking that all christians will take his/her money based on the televangelists they see and hear about in the news.

my point in all of this is that i hear people who claim to be "christians" bashing catholics and their beliefs, when they don't even really know what catholic beliefs are. many catholic "beliefs" that are hyped up are similar to the "baptist beliefs" about how drinking and dancing are of the devil and will send someone straight to hell; these beliefs are extremely antiquated and certainly not held by all baptists.

i will be the first to admit that the catholic church has some major issues that it needs to work through. there are catholic priests who have demons (sins) just like there are protestant preachers and pastors who have demons. we are all sinners, people...that's why Christ came! but let's not fall into the sin of judgement based on ignorance or a lack of understanding. we may not know all the details about someone (or a group), but we should go out and educate ourselves and do our best to share the Truth in a NON-JUDGMENTAL way if we feel that these people are living according to false teaching.

i challenge everyone who has ever wondered about or heard about the differences between catholicism and protestantism to talk to an informed catholic (or even a priest) and also to find out what the catholic church teaches, as opposed to what some catholics believe. (yes, it's true; some christians, no matter what denomination, don't know what their beliefs are or if they're in line with the church.) and if you're ever in a circle of people who start talking about catholics, challenge them to do the same. before you suppose that someone is wrong, make sure you have your facts straight. and if someone is wrong, create a relationship first, and then gently and lovingly teach the Truth.

One day at a time

“looking for a job is like dating”

earlier this month, i posted a blog with the aforementioned title. it occurred to me the other day that many of us trust God with some things, but we don’t trust Him with other things that are very similar. take the job hunting/dating scenario for example. i am willing to put complete faith in my God for something like a job, which is pretty big and can be life-altering. there is absolutely no question in my mind that God will provide work for me at the right time. it may be just as my savings run out, or it may be right away, but it will be in His time, and it will be according to His plan. how is the relationship thing any different? it’s not. why is this idea not more obvious to people (and i include myself in "people")? i have no idea. it seems like such a “duh” thing. i haven’t actually thought of relationships or the possibility of marriage/kids in my future for quite some time now. i have been taking one day at a time, and enjoying each day to its fullest. that is the point. the more we trouble ourselves with the outcome of a future that is completely out of our hands, the more unfulfilled we will feel.

my sis read me one of her friends’ posts the other day. the basic premise of the post was that she was finally happy being single, but she was also preparing herself for the fact that she may never get married, or worse, never have the opportunity to have kids. she’s 28.

i’m certainly not judging: i had some of those same thoughts at 28. but now i almost see that statement as a contradiction. why does it have to be all or nothing - either i’m married now, or i’ll never get married; or i’m “happy” being single, with no prospect of marriage or kids ever, or i’m depressed about the fact that i’m not dating anyone. why can’t i just BE where i am (the “i” mentioned here refers to anyone)?

it occurred to me that this is one of the many things that drive guys nuts about girls. the sexes (genders) have very different outlooks on this point. i’ve never been one to put much stock in that whole biological clock thing, but clearly women are much antsier (is that even a word?) about being married by a certain age than men are. you hardly ever hear a guy say he needs to get married b/c he’s getting old. the standard female excuse: “but for us, it’s impossible to have kids after a certain age”. however, these days there are women well in their forties having children. then there’s the “but I don’t want to be 65 when my kids graduate high school”. well, if you want kids that badly, i’m hoping you’ll be happy to have them no matter what age you are. just a thought.

about 2 years ago, i started taking life one day at a time, without giving much thought to what the future holds for me. this has lifted a giant weight from me. i don’t have to be anything but who i am right now. i just have to be the best paige i can be (the one God wants me to be). and right now, i’m a great aunt (or uncle, depending on whose child it is…that’s another story), and a great “aunt” to my friends’ kids. and i love it!

another type of mask

i saw someone the other day who had read my blog (i didn't even know this person knew i had a blog). this is someone i don’t know too well (more importantly someone who doesn’t know me well), and he mentioned the fact that some of my posts were quite negative, and he didn’t know i had a side like that. hmmm, i have always written these posts with people who know me in mind. i never thought about how they’d seem to people who don’t know my personality. i guess i had also used this blog as somewhat of a brain dump; i just wrote as a way of dumping what's on my mind without thinking it was negative or positive or otherwise. i also think that sometimes i may be trying to be funny, and it comes across as negativity. who knows. so here’s a disclaimer for all those reading who don’t know me that well: while this blog does represent some of my thoughts, they are not my only thoughts. this blog is, in a way, like a giant mask: i only “show” the parts of me i want to…and quite frankly, i have no intention of sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of cyberworld; those are reserved for special people. so if you don’t know me, just know that there’s more to my personality than just what’s here.

still, he shared a very thought-provoking comment. am i negative without meaning to be (or w/o realizing it)? food for thought...

the mean teacher

i am the "mean" teacher at my school. i make rules; i define consequences; and i stick to them (and even though some parents don't understand or they disagree, the same rules apply to every kid, regardless of financial status).

some of these kids have no other consistency in their lives. in my class at least, if you got in trouble for it yesterday, you'll get in trouble for it again today (and if you didn't, you won't). i'm a firm believer in setting boundaries for kids. even though i'm not a rule-follower myself (oh the sweet irony), and i did spend most of my younger years challenging/testing/pushing/ignoring the boundaries, that's the very reason i feel like they need to exist (b/c of juvenile delinquents like me...hehehe).

some of my kids love me on the first day; others take a bit longer to come around, but they all love me in the end, even when i'm tough. i am real, and i'm sarcastic, and i don't make them guess how i feel...my face says it all. they know they can laugh at me, and they know i can have fun...at the appropriate time. they respect me. i don't need 55 twelve year-olds to be my friends (i have friends my age), so i don't need them to like me, but they do anyway, and i do love/appreciate that.

there are things i'm definitely going to miss about teaching:
a kid's face when she finally understands something (the "a-ha moment");
the "oh (short pause) my (short pause) gosh! did you hear about (fill-in-the-blank)?? blah blah blah" drama that i so often make fun of (to their faces);
the fact that they think i'm hilarious (i'll never have a captive audience like that outside the classroom);
knowing there's that one student that no one else could connect with, but i was able to (usually the sarcastic one that the other teachers didn't have the patience for);
kids writing notes on my boards saying "hi" or "ms. j loves CB", or (in past years) "mrs. colin farrell".

i think i'll always be "mean"...in this day and age, they need it.

to teach or not to teach...

that is the question. i had dinner with marlo and jenn last night, and marlo mentioned that fba needed english teachers desperately; apparently all of their jr high english teachers are leaving. i don't know if they've hired anyone yet, but marlo was really trying to get me to go teach there. i told her the only position i'd even consider was 8th grade, and i said i'd interview, but i couldn't promise anything. while i love teaching, and i know i'll go back and do it some day, i feel pulled to do something else right now. i need to recharge my teaching batteries. plus, i would love to live among adults for a little while (as opposed to 12 year-olds). however, how can i turn down an interview? especially one that God throws in my lap? i have had 2 teaching job opportunities fall into my lap (if this one does), and i haven't sought out either. does that mean something (rhetorical question)?? anyway, no word on any of that yet.

i still haven't heard back from the canadians at smart company (yes, that is the actual name). they make the interactive white boards that we use at school, and i've used one for 4 years (i was the first to have one in my room...let's be honest, i'm just that cool). anywho, i applied for a training job with them thinking i'd get to travel a little bit (or a lot) and be with different people all the time, which is kinda cool (even though i'm sure it could get old/lonely). unfortunately, i have no experience with the corporate world, so when someone says she's going to call for a phone interview on a certain day, is not able to, and then doesn't get back to me, i'm not sure what to make of it. schools like to hire quickly and get it over with, so you usually know within a few weeks (or less) if you've got a job, but this has been going on for almost 2 months now (since march 25 or so). i have other things in the works, so i'm not stressing about this (and i have absolute faith), but i am noticing things about myself in this process: 1. that i expect a lot from people in the way of communication...possibly too much. i'd like to think it's just a courtesy thing, but maybe that's just the way the business world is, and i'm not used to it; and 2. not everyone believes s/he can help, so s/he would rather avoid me than feel like s/he had failed me.

the only experience i have in business (which is quite a bit actually) is working for my dad. in my family, customer service was of the utmost importance...the rules were simple: 1. the customer is always right; 2. if the customer is wrong, refer to rule 1. therefore i am used to bending over backwards to make people happy (or at least act like i am, which is actually an art).

so it's weird to me when people don't do seemingly simple things like return phone calls and emails. example: the principal at the school in austin where i interviewed emailed me to get references. i responded that i had prayed all weekend, and i didn't think i was the best candidate for the job (it was elementary school, and i prefer the older kids who can understand sarcasm). i thanked her for her time and told her i'd see her in june (when i'm training their teachers on their new computers). that was monday. have i heard anything from her...nope. and i'm not asking for much. really, i'd just like to know that she got the email. if i were in her position, i'd fire off a very short email saying something like this, "thank you for your honesty, and good luck with your search. i'll see you in a few weeks." but i'm not sure if that's what people do. my guess is no. and this training job for smart: hr girl (rebecca) called last wed to schedule a phone interview for fri. i emailed her back thurs to reschedule for monday (b/c i was in austin interviewing all day fri). she emailed back saying she understood and she'd get back to me with a time. haven't heard from her. do i assume she has found someone for the job, or do things just go that slowly (in other words, is she that busy)? I certainly don't want to stalk/pester her, but i don't want to sit around and do nothing either.

anywho, that's my lack of news about the job search. i am VERY blessed to have an opportunity to work over the summer doing fun stuff (day camp at school...i teach cooking, bible study, book club, and jewelry-making), and i know everything will be fine. God works in crazy ways, and i am constantly learning about myself in this process, which is great. everything happens for a reason...

houston, we have a HUGE problem...

when i got home last night, i turned on the astros game (score was already 2-0 in the top of the 1st inning) and began making my dinner. i continued to watch as i proceeded to cook and clean the kitchen. when i finally finished in the kitchen, wandy had been pulled, springer was in, and the score was 11-2. as i had TONS of work to do (for a training i am doing in austin in june), i turned off the game and went into my room. at first i had the game on and muted, but then it became way too frustrating and distracting, so i turned it off (well aware that bonds had still not tied the babe).

let's talk about that for a minute. this is a huge thing for baseball. i know the guy did 'roids to get there, and if you know me at all, you know i am adamantly opposed to that, but that's no reason not to appreciate the milestone. this is a record that has only been broken once in over 70 years!

so i turned off the game some time after things got really ugly (11-2) - as opposed to just slightly ugly (8-2), so it must have been right before bonds got beaned. in other words, i missed that part. while i was still snoozing this morning, i heard about it on the radio, and i was appalled.

when i was a little, we had season tix to the astros and the oilers. my dad started bringing me to games before i could walk. one thing that i'll never forget is how much it bothered me when people booed. my first defiant action (of many) was telling my dad not to boo at games. i couldn't have been more than 3 years old, but that's how much i hated it. i had a sickening feeling every time he did it (which wasn't a lot, and it was always when half of the stadium was in agreement, not that that changed how i felt). understand that i loved my dad, and he could do no wrong in my eyes, but something about it bothered me that much.

fast forward to present day. i am still VERY much opposed to the boo. i think it is unsportsmanlike, and i think it says a lot about people's character. when i was at the game monday night, it ticked me off that people booed bonds when he came to the plate. why? b/c he's better than you? seriously though, why? would those same people have booed robert downey jr (or any other actor) if he'd won an oscar after his drug use...doubtful. so why the sore spot here? i am certainly not in favor of bonds' choices, and i do think he cheated; HOWEVER, what's done is done, and mlb has allowed him to continue to play and take the record if he breaks it...take it up with them.

and now for the point of the post: as if the booing wasn't bad enough, the fans cheered last night when springer hit him. who are these people?? i won't get into how i feel about the pitches (ok, maybe i will...springer's a mlb pitcher; you're telling me he doesn't have more control than that?? i hated it when clemens did it in ny, and i hate it now). but the fans? once again, we have shown the world (who is watching, by the way, just in case that dinger is hit) that we don't deserve any respect. if we want to get any respect in the baseball world, we could start by acting like baseball fans (or even human beings) and not like animals. who cheers when someone is hurt? imagine the uproar if that happened at a little league game...what's the difference here? he may be a little older than a little leaguer, and he may even be the biggest jerk on the face of the earth (not that i know that to be true), but he's still a person. whether you like a person, agree with what s/he stands for, etc or not, you should respect humanity enough not to be happy that someone gets hit.

maybe mlb should just put an asterisk next to bonds' name and move on. somebody classier like pujols (al or bert) may break the record in 15 years anyway.

i almost caved...

normally i have a VERY strict policy while at baseball games: NO WAVE. not only will i not participate, i won't let anyone with me participate either. you're not even allowed to raise your hands while staying in your seat...that still counts as a poor attempt at the wave. and i am constantly badmouthing those who feel the obnoxious need to start the wave (usually 10 or 12 times), ESPECIALLY at a game where the score is close. that's just mad! why would you start the wave during a tight game? are you not a fan? did you not come to the game to watch baseball?? newsflash fans: it's not a particularly interactive sport, so appreciate it for what it is and deal with it. and think about the fans behind you who can't see what's going on down on the field b/c you decided you needed to stand up and flail your arms about...for no reason other than the people next to you did it. come on, be an individual...stay in your seat.

and what is the wave anyway? it's a mindless activity for those who just want something to do (besides watch the game).

well, i almost caved last night. the game was horrible...unbelievably hard to watch. we were down something like 8 runs (i think) in the first inning. anyway, at some point i made the comment, "now would be a good time to start the wave...if you must." and sadly, no one did. people waited until later in the game when there were hardly any fans left, and no one felt like "playing". i think most of the people left were just drunk by then and couldn't get up. and while in a weak moment, i may have thought thought being 8 runs down would be a good time to start the wave, i certainly didn't participate.

bottom line: i think i just hate the wave.

guy/girl thing?

so i was having a conversation with a friend the other day about relationships. he had currently broken up with a girl after dating for 3 years. apparently she broke up with him b/c he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry her or not. according to him, he would still like to be dating her b/c he enjoys spending time with her and just isn't sure if he wants to marry her or not. now my question to him (and anyone else) is this: how can you not be sure after 3 years? i'm thinking if you're not sure after 3 years, then clearly she's not the one. and here's where it got strange (for me at least). he claimed that "knowing" you've met the right one (after a certain period of time) was a girl thing. he said only girls "knew", and he thought it was b/c of the whole biological clock thing. i wholeheartedly disagreed (and those of you who know me would be very proud...i was not at all offended, i did not get defensive, and i was quite pleasant throughout the entire conversation. i think i was really intrigued by his thoughts b/c it was such a foreign idea to me). anywho, i said i thought it had to do with experience and personality rather than gender, but what the hell do i know? i mean when you're 23 and don't know who you are, i can see not "knowing" after 3 years. but to be 33 or 34 and still not know? i just don't get that. maybe i'm just a really perceptive person...(ok, the HUGE irony (and exception) here is the last guy i dated). but is that it? are some people just more perceptive than others? or do some people, whether they're perceptive or not, really just not know? damn, maybe i'm missing out on some really great relationship b/c i haven't given it 4 years... ;)

looking for a job is like dating

how, you ask? well, i have the obnoxious habit of deciding about five minutes into the first date whether i am romantically attracted to a guy or not. if i think not, i don't want to go on a second date with him...why would i want to lead him on? that's one of my pet peeves...see previous post. (yes, i realize that my logic may be slightly askew...the point of dating is that it's just dating...no commitment) basically, i make a quick judgement about how i feel about him. anyway, my friends usually need to talk me into going out with the guy at least a second time to get to know him better. several times i have been completely off base, and i realize after another date or so that i am attracted to him after all. so i have learned (slowly) to be patient and realize that the sparks are not necessarily going to fly on a first date (besides, who sees sparks other than the girls in the teenie bopper movies??).

so anyway, i realized the other day that looking for a job involves the same concept: i shouldn't be too picky at first. after all, it's just an interview; i'm not signing my life away (just like it's just a first date; i'm not taking wedding vows). so i am trying to go on every interview that is offered, even if i think there's no way i'd take the job...just in case, who knows: that interview may lead to something else.

today i got an email from an advertising company in chicago. i applied online last night just because (basically they represent some sports teams, and i thought it would be interesting, and it couldn't hurt to apply). do i want to work for an ad firm? not particularly. am i aware these people make close to nothing in money? yes, i am. is chicago a long way to go for no money? yes, it is. HOWEVER, i was thinking today, "hmm, so i interview over the phone first. then maybe they ask me to come to chicago for an interview. i take advantage of a trip to the windy city." how do i lose in that scenario?? i don't see how i can. so i'll be calling them tomorrow.

i also have an interview at a school in austin this friday. i don't think the job is what i want (basically i'd be assistant technology director at a school, training teachers to integrate technology, doing network/computer troubleshooting, and some teaching), but i am taking advantage of this. if nothing else, i can "practice" interviewing.

i have no idea where God wants me to be in a few months, so i am taking advantage of everything He sends my way. who am i to ignore things He is throwing at me? i learned (the very hard way) a long time ago that i am NOT in charge (and really, at this point in my life, i don't want to be). i totally gave up control to God (which is why i'm not the slightest bit nervous about my job situation). He will provide for me...even if it's at the last second. i'm just here to take one day at a time and pray about His will for me.