another "me" lesson learned

it's amazing how much i still continue to learn about myself as the days go on. you'd think when you live with someone (yourself) for that many years, you'd know pretty much what's going on, but i continue to find out new things about myself all the time. yesterday i realized i wasn't over something that i thought i was: i honestly don't believe that any guy is capable of liking me as more than a friend. what an odd (and sad) conclusion you may think? i have known this about myself in the past, but recently i thought i was over this issue and had moved on (especially after being "hot" in ireland)...but apparently not. what brought on this realization? a date...actually a series of dates with someone i knew i would never be serious with.

background: my relationship history consists of many male friendships, VERY few dates. okay, not that big of a deal...lots of girls could probably say the same thing. however, i know that i have had many male friends who honestly love me, and i'm talking about a very sincere love, not just a hey-i-like-hanging-out-with-you-b/c-you-really-like-sports kind of thing. i am (and have been) friends with many guys who would even sacrifice a thing or two for me...but there just don't seem to be romantic feelings there; it's more like a big brother kind of love (which i know i am very blessed to have). this has been the case so many times, that i've just become "conditioned" (for lack of a better word) to believe that all guys will simply see me as the cool girl who's a lot of fun to hang out with, a great listener, a good honest friend, just one of the guys, etc. and i actually have very much enjoyed this about my life.

so i recently met a guy who intrigued me, and when he asked me out, i said yes. now, i knew he wasn't a christian (although possibly on the verge), so i knew i'd never fall for him (just thought he'd be a cool friend), but i also assumed that as usual, he'd think of me as that cool friend girl, so no worries...someone fun to hang with and go to astros games with. well things didn't exactly happen that way (but that wasn't the realization). what i walked away from the awkward "break-up" (that shouldn't even have been a break-up) with was that i need to take others' feelings into consideration more. whatever insecurities and hang-ups i have with myself, i need to get over it and treat everyone the way i would want to be treated. that was actually an amazing insight for me (again, sad that i'm just now picking up on this). i thought i did think of others' feelings. but this situation hammered home the fact that i filtered something through my beliefs (however crazy and false they may be) and consequently hurt someone else's feelings in the process. it just made me realize that i need to think about things much more objectively/realistically than i have, even if i'm not willing to admit the truth of it.

i'm so glad God continues to teach me things about myself...